I had to wonder though, why did I fall off that wagon this time... what was my trigger for reverting to my bad habits of fast food and the three C's .. (chocolate, chips and coke for those that don't know this one) ... well yesterday I figured it out... MY CAR!!!!
I know, you are thinking, why would a car trigger you to eat badly and stop exercising like you did for almost a month.... well.. here's the scoop.. It was a car accident that triggered my healthy lifestyle switch.. and that accident sent my van to the dump, and left me without a vehicle from May of 2008 to February of 2011.. I used public transport and taxis or my feet to get places.
Ok, so why the car??? I still don't get it....
The lifestyle I had previous to my accident in May of 2008 was horribly unhealthy.. I drank umpteen litres of coke a day, ate fast food all the time, I'd be out driving for whatever reason and go through drive thrus for donuts, coke, burgers, you name it, I ate it. I'd stop in a dollar stores and spend spend spend, and of course leave with bountiful amounts of the three c's , and consume a good portion of it IN THE VEHICLE...
So, last night, I was driving from my home in Markham, over to a home in Maple - about 15 minutes or so from here - to pick up some freecycle items I had secured. I wasn't hungry, I had already stopped that day and bought two boxes of 100 calorie chocolate type bars... 12 of them in total between the two boxes (which are now all gone, and I am the only one who ate them!! Get to that in a bit!) ... I noshed on a few in the car, then more at home, then took one with me to Maple... as I drove up the street, I know there is a Harveys on the route I was taking, and I had that urge to hit the drive thru for a veggie burger and fries... I denied myself that, as I was analyzing it at that point thinking to myself that I am neither hungry nor having a low blood sugar issue, so what the heck is going on here...I went to the home, picked up what I was getting, then started to drive home. I saw a sign for a fish and chip shop, I used to get that at least twice a week when I had my van, and even though I am almost 100% vegan, again that thought process hit me again: it happens like this: how much money do I have in the account I can spend right now... X number of $.. ok then I can afford to get ______ insert food here ____ and then drive to go get it!
I scolded myself twice over, first for thinking food second for thinking fish!!! So I kept on driving, again wondering what the heck is happening here.......then the light started to turn on, my proverbial light bulb sometimes has a dimmer switch attached... anyway I realized that it's the car, or rather the association between my physically driving and food from my former lifestyle. This by the way, doesn't happen when I am just a passenger, only when I am behind the wheel... so I made it home, relatively unscathed, and proceeded to make a healthy dinner... afterwards darling hubby and I relaxed a bit, and it was then bed time... what did I go and do... ate three or four of those daft 100 calorie bar things... so now we go from car triggering while driving to the effects of what happens when I deprive myself but have a " treat " readily available.
So from the car to wagon number two, sweets in the house... I grew up in a family where we had dessert after dinner almost every night, if you were a good girl, and not only behaved but ate everything that was placed in front of you, you got a sweet dessert as a reward... if you are a good girl, you get a chocolate bar, biscuits, desserts, cake.. you get the idea... the sweet was the reward for being " good "... this is something I have never done with my girls, simply as it really does set one up for an eating disorder and comfort eating. So, the fact that I denied those impulses for Harveys , then the fish and chips, and then the bar I had taken with me, eaten according to my plan that night, I was in deprivation mode emotionally speaking and binged as a result... should I have perhaps given in to the fish or veggie burger? No, I do not believe so, this is part of my learning about myself and relearning how to do things so this doesn't happen again, or at least, not too frequently.
I had 3 bars left in my fridge this morning out of 12.. I knew I'd eat them today, no matter what I do... I just seem to have no "won't power" - I have tons of willpower, If it is sweet and chocolatey and is in the house, I WILL eat it... it's Won't Power that I struggle with right now... It's also that time of year where chocolate abounds in the stores, discounted priced bunnies and eggs are everywhere, which for a chocoholic makes it harder to just say no! So back to those bars, yes, I had all three for breakfast with my tea this morning, yes I am tracking it on Sparkpeople, and yes I know it was not a healthy thing to do, nor perhaps a smart choice in the grand scheme of things, but my thought process was this: I know I will eat these today, that I will struggle with should I , shouldn't I, yes, no, stay away, go get one, type processes, and stress myself out over them... which only contributes to wanting them more... so I said to heck with it, eat them now, get it over and done with, and don't buy more! (they were on special btw ) So I ate all three consecutively, and ended up feeling rather pukey afterwards, which is not a bad thing... maybe I won't eat them this way if I buy them again now I felt like that.
So.. what to do about these issues: I figure with the car and driving around, it's about reprogramming my brain.. I am going to work on a mantra or affirmation of sorts to say in the car that will help me reprogram my brain to separate car from food. Something that reminds me of my new way of being, and that it's old outmoded habits that are calling my name, not hunger or need. Perhaps taking a healthy snack with me when I go places in case I do get hungry will be a much better choice and definitely cheaper to do too. Either way, I have to remain mindful of the trigger and change that subconscious/conscious thought process and association. As for the sweets, I am using stevia in my tea now for after the first one of the day and am slowly working on kicking that sugar habit, it's not easy to do, ok, it's down right hard to do... especially for sweet toothed comfort eating me... and I will just have to regulate how often I do buy something like that, which again, has to do with the car vs anything else.
There we have it, long, drawn out, but at least it's insightful... I strongly suggest now, that if you find yourself falling off that wagon, whatever wagon you are on, take a look at the bigger picture, and find the triggers for the reverting to those unwanted ways... and once we know the trigger, we can work on it that much easier! If I can do this, so can you, plain and simple.
Have a great day!